So, I’m learning some things about myself. Well, maybe not learning so much as recognizing.
For example, this job that I thought I wanted SO badly out of? Allows me to (1) not be billable (since I work on a contigency fee, I don’t have to charge my clients by sending them bills for the hours spent on their cases. In other words, no one knows exactly what I’m doing every minute of the day. If I was billable, that wouldn’t be the case); (2) leave by 5:15 every night to go get my kids out of daycare; (3) take vacation and NOT be bothered by anyone from my office; and (4) have an 8 minute commute which leaves me more time to work and gets me home quicker to my kids.
All of those intangibles are rating pretty highly when I see what’s out there (or, really WHERE) job-wise. Also, I realized that I can put my ego/pride/ambitions aside when it comes to being there for my family. A job that wouldn’t allow me to actually be home at a decent time because of requirements or commute is NOT a job I could consider taking.
Also, I am realizing how much I NEED to kiss my children both “goodbye” and “hello” at the beginning and end of every day. Bear is at a daycamp right now, which is closer to Hubby’s office. Which means Hubby has drop-off and pick-up duty for Bear, while I’m doing the same for Monkey who is in daycare directly across the street from our house. It is KILLING me that I won’t be picking Bear up from camp today. I want to hear how his day was, the second he’s done with it. Not after he’s been in the car for 15 minutes and has already told Hubby about it. When he gets in the door at home, it’s too late. He’s headed straight for the couch and his “mimi” which he stuffs in his mouth and zones out until dinner’s ready. I also hate not dropping him off in the morning.
I’m truly feeling more and more that, in a perfect world, I’d be home with my kids. Maybe not forever, but definitely for now. This is astonishing to me, because being a successful attorney has been my goal since I was 14 years old. I’ve always wanted to be a mother and never saw either choice as being mutually exclusive. I’m just feeling that I’m not accomplishing either job (and yes, I believe being a mommy IS a job) the way I’d like.
Unfortunately, staying home (or working from home or even part-time) is not an option for me. I appreciate all the things (and I don’t just mean tangible “things”, but experiences, security, peace of mind) that my salary brings to our family. And, those many years ago when I chose to go to law school, I pretty much gave up my option to stay home because of the six figure debt I incurred in doing so. I’ve been paying that loan down for 10 years now (gulp) and it’s STILL six figures! There are other factors at play, also, that makes staying at home impossible (inability to sell our house and get a smaller mortgage) not to mention lifestyle choices that are not impossible to change, but nice to have.
So, the goal is to make the situation I’ve got not only do-able, but desirable. I’m not yet sure how that’s going to happen, but it has to. Would you change anything if you could? Or, are you right where you want to be?
For example, this job that I thought I wanted SO badly out of? Allows me to (1) not be billable (since I work on a contigency fee, I don’t have to charge my clients by sending them bills for the hours spent on their cases. In other words, no one knows exactly what I’m doing every minute of the day. If I was billable, that wouldn’t be the case); (2) leave by 5:15 every night to go get my kids out of daycare; (3) take vacation and NOT be bothered by anyone from my office; and (4) have an 8 minute commute which leaves me more time to work and gets me home quicker to my kids.
All of those intangibles are rating pretty highly when I see what’s out there (or, really WHERE) job-wise. Also, I realized that I can put my ego/pride/ambitions aside when it comes to being there for my family. A job that wouldn’t allow me to actually be home at a decent time because of requirements or commute is NOT a job I could consider taking.
Also, I am realizing how much I NEED to kiss my children both “goodbye” and “hello” at the beginning and end of every day. Bear is at a daycamp right now, which is closer to Hubby’s office. Which means Hubby has drop-off and pick-up duty for Bear, while I’m doing the same for Monkey who is in daycare directly across the street from our house. It is KILLING me that I won’t be picking Bear up from camp today. I want to hear how his day was, the second he’s done with it. Not after he’s been in the car for 15 minutes and has already told Hubby about it. When he gets in the door at home, it’s too late. He’s headed straight for the couch and his “mimi” which he stuffs in his mouth and zones out until dinner’s ready. I also hate not dropping him off in the morning.
I’m truly feeling more and more that, in a perfect world, I’d be home with my kids. Maybe not forever, but definitely for now. This is astonishing to me, because being a successful attorney has been my goal since I was 14 years old. I’ve always wanted to be a mother and never saw either choice as being mutually exclusive. I’m just feeling that I’m not accomplishing either job (and yes, I believe being a mommy IS a job) the way I’d like.
Unfortunately, staying home (or working from home or even part-time) is not an option for me. I appreciate all the things (and I don’t just mean tangible “things”, but experiences, security, peace of mind) that my salary brings to our family. And, those many years ago when I chose to go to law school, I pretty much gave up my option to stay home because of the six figure debt I incurred in doing so. I’ve been paying that loan down for 10 years now (gulp) and it’s STILL six figures! There are other factors at play, also, that makes staying at home impossible (inability to sell our house and get a smaller mortgage) not to mention lifestyle choices that are not impossible to change, but nice to have.
So, the goal is to make the situation I’ve got not only do-able, but desirable. I’m not yet sure how that’s going to happen, but it has to. Would you change anything if you could? Or, are you right where you want to be?
3 comments:
I'm probably not right where I want to be, but I've got it pretty good. A lot of what makes it good are the intangibles that you mention -- the freedom to be able to take off to go to programs at the kids' school, not getting any grief when I have to be out AGAIN b/c one of the kids is sick. I can't put a price on those.
I feel like maybe I'm not qualified to comment on this struggle because I haven't worked since I had kids, but I would work part time if I could. I'd like to contribute, to take the full weight of it all off of Matt a little. But every time I look at possibilities, the child care eats the whole thing and it doesn't work for us. It's so hard to find a balance.
I'm fortunate to have my little part-time job with a VERY flexible boss. It's not much money, but it is something for now. This summer is hard, having to find someone to watch the kids and not spend my whole itty paycheck on a babysitter. But for now it works for us. As the twins head to kindergarten in a year, then we'll see how things progress.
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