A good fit?

It’s been a looong time since I’ve walked in somewhere and felt like I had the word “newbie” stamped across my forehead. But, last night, I walked into a box (a.k.a. a CrossFit gym), after asking the first person I saw, “Is this CrossFit?” because I was confused by the MMA octagon inside (apparently, they share space with a fighting school), received a chuckle and sat down on the first piece of furniture I saw. Completely intimidated.

First, let me mention that intimidation is not really in my vocabulary. On a daily basis, I’m in the company of judges, lawyers, nasty witnesses, defendants - -and it’s almost always in an adversarial arena. I argue for a living, so there is no room for fear, self-doubt or wimpiness. So, for me to be scared to start an exercise regime is kind of laughable. Unless, of course, you’re talking about CrossFit -- which, I am.

What I know about CrossFit has been gleaned from reading AndreAnna’s blog and FaceBook updates (the pictures of her CrossFit injuries are not really encouraging, but the pictures of her muscles are SUPER encouraging) and from my husband’s past several months of going. Now, my husband is athletic, has always worked out, is a runner and otherwise enjoys exercise. So, when he comes home every single time, after many months, from the box and I ask him how his workout was and his answer is “hard” every.single.time, that is seriously intimidating.

I had told a few people (who are not crossfitters) that I was thinking of starting CrossFit and they all looked at me like I was crazy. They told me I had no weight to lose, so why would I want to do it? Here’s the thing. I lost all the weight I was looking to lose when I began eating primal-style in July 2010 (again, thanks to AndreAnna, my younger sister-from-another-mister). But weight loss alone does not a hot body make. I was feeling pretty good about myself until this summer. Since I was buying size XS bathing suits, I thought I’d be really confident at the pool, but the truth was that I was only buying one piece and ones with skirts because I was so self-conscious about my thighs and stomach. You can still be thin and flabby at the same time.

I eat pretty well, so I don’t believe there’s much more I can do on the diet front that will change my appearance. Which means it’s time to start exercising. And, I don’t like to exercise. I haven’t had the motivation or discipline to keep at it at home, so it made sense to join somewhere. And, after seeing the results in AndreAnna and my husband, I know that if I put in the time and effort, CrossFit will work for me, too.

So, after only an EIGHT minute workout last night (the rest of the time was instructional), I was beyond gassed. My arms and legs are still feeling like jello today, which shows how far I have to go. However, I am ABSOLUTELY going back tonight! To quote a wise lady, “today is the first day of the rest of your fit body.”

Amen.

Take Two

My dearest little Monkey,

You are two. TWO!!! As in, not a baby anymore. Not "the" baby in the house. In fact, there's very little that's babyish about you. To say that you have brought joy into our family would be a gross understatement. You haven't just brought joy, you ARE joy. There is an underlying sweetness in everything you do. So much so, that when you start throwing your newly-done temper tantrums, Daddy and I laugh because it's so unlike you. 

Your favorite things in the world right now, besides your brother, are the iPhone, iPad and puzzles. You still love your milk (which we still heat up for you because you're the spoiled baby of the family), but that's one of the last remnants of your babyhood. You are Mr. Independent and can do more than I would have thought possible from a 2 year old. You try your very hardest to keep up with Bear and he thinks you are SO funny!

You wear a 3T shirt and 2T bottom - you're a very big boy. You still make me carry you up and down the stairs ("uppies") which is killing your mama's back. If you give Mommy a kiss, you must immediately give Daddy a kiss, you have no favorite. 

Honey, there aren't enough words in the world to describe how loved you are and how you deserve every ounce of it. Please don't get to three too fast, my heart can't take it!

Your birthday cake, made with love by your Aunt

Love,

Mommy

And then he was five

So, it appears that the only thing that can make me come back to this (poorly neglected) blog is my Bear’s birthday. Tomorrow, my son turns five. To say that it blows my mind that five years ago today I was in labor with my first-born son is an enormous understatement. The time went in a blink. Next week, Bear starts kindergarten. Tonight, he starts playing soccer. There are so many firsts right now, my mama heart can barely stand it. So, here we go:

Dear Bear,

Tomorrow, you are a WHOLE hand old. Or, as you keep saying, “a real big boy.” And, you are. You are so smart, so independent, so kind to your little brother and the funniest kid I ever know. I always tease Daddy that you’re just like him, but the truth is, you’re YOU. But, you have you’re Daddy’s ability to make me laugh, even when I’m trying to be serious.

You are the most rough-and-tumble boy I’ve ever met, but can be ridiculously sweet. You're going through a mommy-phase right now and I am clinging to it, as you've been all daddy's for the past 3 years. You don’t like anything that is even remotely “for girls.” You love superheroes and action shows. You love marshmallows and cheese puffs. You loved being in camp this summer, which gives me high hopes for how well you’ll do in kindergarten.

In honor of your 5th birthday, you had a Pirate Party. I chose the theme,  but you went right along with it. Thanks to a hurricane that was due to hit our home on the day of your party, at the very last minute, we rescheduled it for 1 day earlier. The look on your face when you came down the stairs Saturday morning and saw the house all decorated for your party was worth the lost minutes of sleep for Mommy and Daddy Friday night. 

Kids dressed up in bandannas, hats, eye patches, swords and then got tattooed.

You couldn’t stop telling me the next day, “I loved my pirate party. I love all my presents.” You may ask for an awful lot, but you are grateful for what you get.

The cutest pirate

Pirates attack Bear's Pop Pop

My sister always makes my boys' cakes. This year's pirate ship was the BEST.

Yesterday, we had a lazy day on the couch while everyone recuperated from the hurricane. I couldn’t help but squeeze you and ask, “Do you know how much I love you?” You said, “like something really big.” You sure know your mom! And then you said, “Mommy, I love you bigger than the highest number.” And my heart was full.

I love you, Bear. Happy birthday my big boy.

Life Lessons

So, I’m learning some things about myself. Well, maybe not learning so much as recognizing.

For example, this job that I thought I wanted SO badly out of? Allows me to (1) not be billable (since I work on a contigency fee, I don’t have to charge my clients by sending them bills for the hours spent on their cases. In other words, no one knows exactly what I’m doing every minute of the day. If I was billable, that wouldn’t be the case); (2) leave by 5:15 every night to go get my kids out of daycare; (3) take vacation and NOT be bothered by anyone from my office; and (4) have an 8 minute commute which leaves me more time to work and gets me home quicker to my kids.

All of those intangibles are rating pretty highly when I see what’s out there (or, really WHERE) job-wise. Also, I realized that I can put my ego/pride/ambitions aside when it comes to being there for my family. A job that wouldn’t allow me to actually be home at a decent time because of requirements or commute is NOT a job I could consider taking.

Also, I am realizing how much I NEED to kiss my children both “goodbye” and “hello” at the beginning and end of every day. Bear is at a daycamp right now, which is closer to Hubby’s office. Which means Hubby has drop-off and pick-up duty for Bear, while I’m doing the same for Monkey who is in daycare directly across the street from our house. It is KILLING me that I won’t be picking Bear up from camp today. I want to hear how his day was, the second he’s done with it. Not after he’s been in the car for 15 minutes and has already told Hubby about it. When he gets in the door at home, it’s too late. He’s headed straight for the couch and his “mimi” which he stuffs in his mouth and zones out until dinner’s ready. I also hate not dropping him off in the morning.

I’m truly feeling more and more that, in a perfect world, I’d be home with my kids. Maybe not forever, but definitely for now. This is astonishing to me, because being a successful attorney has been my goal since I was 14 years old. I’ve always wanted to be a mother and never saw either choice as being mutually exclusive. I’m just feeling that I’m not accomplishing either job (and yes, I believe being a mommy IS a job) the way I’d like.

Unfortunately, staying home (or working from home or even part-time) is not an option for me. I appreciate all the things (and I don’t just mean tangible “things”, but experiences, security, peace of mind) that my salary brings to our family. And, those many years ago when I chose to go to law school, I pretty much gave up my option to stay home because of the six figure debt I incurred in doing so. I’ve been paying that loan down for 10 years now (gulp) and it’s STILL six figures! There are other factors at play, also, that makes staying at home impossible (inability to sell our house and get a smaller mortgage) not to mention lifestyle choices that are not impossible to change, but nice to have.

So, the goal is to make the situation I’ve got not only do-able, but desirable. I’m not yet sure how that’s going to happen, but it has to. Would you change anything if you could? Or, are you right where you want to be?

An Early Father's Day Post

When you carry a baby inside your body for all those long, hot, mostly uncomfortable months...

When you go through the agony of delivery (no matter what method or how many drugs are utilized - there is no “easy” way for that baby to come out)...

When you nurse, nourish and sustain the very life of your sweet little babies...

...it’s hard not to think of them as “mine” when, in actuality, they are “ours.”

I have to remind myself (often) that Hubby hasn’t been a Daddy one day longer than I’ve been a Mommy. Meaning, I don’t know any more about this child-rearing ride we’re on than he does.

I have to remind myself that Hubby was once a little boy. Who grew up into a damn fine man. So, he has a little more context than I do (at times) as to what my little boys need. He had to get me used to bruises and bumps, dirt and “gross-out” humor.

So, honey, for all the days I haven’t given you enough credit - here it is. You are the father that our boys need. You are the person that they want to play with all day, every day. You are their buddy, their rock, their jungle gym and their hero. In their eyes, there is nothing you can’t do and there is no man who is taller, stronger or better than their Daddy.

And, they are right.

I love you for the man you are, but I love you even more for the father that you are. I never knew you could be so tender with our little boys while, at the same time, showing them what it means to be a true man. As lucky as I am to have you, they are luckier because you get to influence the people that they will become.

Happy Father’s Day, my love.

Universe, do with it what you will...

There’s probably a name for the notion of putting your dreams, your heart’s desires, out there so that they may come to you. I’ve seen on t.v. (ok, on Oprah!) that some people create a wish board (or is it dream board?) where they put pictures of what they want -- nice house, children, money, whatever -- and by putting it out there, the universe delivers.

Now, I’m not about to get all artsy crafty and start cutting pictures out of magazines and put them on a piece of posterboard and hang it in my foyer. But, I do have this blog.

So, I’m putting it “out there.” Here.

I see myself in a new job. One where my skills are appreciated. One where I am able to be the wife, mother AND lawyer that I want to be. I see myself in a better place, both physically and mentally, than I am right now.

I have to believe that the change will happen. I have to trust that it will happen and that I’m doing what I can (and bless Hubby for doing all he can) to make it happen. I’m not waiting for anyone to hand me anything. I’m doing my best to go out and grab it.

But, if I can get a little luck, fate, karma, what-have-you, on my side, I certainly won’t turn it away.

What’s your take on “putting it out there?”

What's done is done

I found out 2 days ago that I wasn’t being put up for partner.

Definitively.

Throughout the entire meeting I almost bit a hole in my tongue because I was NOT going to cry in front of my bosses. As you can imagine, it’s not easy to talk while biting your tongue and trying not to cry, so it was less of a conversation and more of me listening to  “You’re not going to make partner this year. The reasons are [bullshit] blah, blah, blah. So, next year is your year!”

I am not a victim and hate feeling this way, but a huge part of me feels like a loser. I tried for something, I fought for myself and, in the end, I didn’t win. “Life’s not fair” apparently isn’t a lesson only for children.

On that note, I feel like I have no choice but to leave. I am praying that I can find something better, as I don’t want to jump ship just for the sake of jumping. It’s still a crappy job market, I have pretty specific salary demands and I must have time to spend with my family. There’s a reason I had no problem working 6 days a week for 4 years and crazy hours -- I was young and single. You just don’t do that when you’ve been practicing for as long as I have and you have children you want to get home to.

I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m SICK about how I’ve been treated.

I wish I could fast forward to the part where all of this happened for a good reason and I landed a WAY better job somewhere else. Because this part, sucks.